Strangers can say the strangest (and most offensive… and most condescending…. an most plain ol’ incorrect) things. I assume they’re well meaning, and I hope sometimes people have walked away thinking, “I can’t believe I just said that to a stranger!”
Living in Korea, Christensen has a window into the myths and tales that can become assumed wisdom of good parenting, both there and from his origin culture in America:
One difficult part of living overseas is that you quickly find out that there are diverse cultural expressions of every bit of sage advice. You even discover that your own culture has a lot of myths!
So rather than just passing along what you assume to be good common-sense parenting, he prefers solid published-by-expert advice.
Given our path as parents, I could cite professionals for every bit of parenting advice that I would offer. But we have also been given a lot of parenting advice with books and “experts” cited that directly contradicts what other experts and books say. Here’s 3 concerns about parenting advice and experts.
3 Cautions on Parenting Advice
1. Experts can be cited on every side of every issue.
Including sides that you didn’t even know existed. I have seen terrible things advocated by “experts” who are advancing their own ideas and theories and can do so very expertly. There are other “experts” whose work has really helped us.
2. Every kid is different.
And parents are different too. The combination means that what worked for me and my kid may not be what works for you. It may not work with my next kid. In hindsight, it may not have been the best for my own kid… which leads to #3:
3. We’re all inherently flawed – parents and experts alike.
People don’t like being wrong – we tend to make a choice and have a confirmation bias that says what we committed to was the right way … and often the ONLY right way.
When I was a dad of one, I saw life-long friends with kids having real problems with their adult friendship due to differences in parenting style. Dad the First was very strict and more distant, Dad the Second was less strict and less distant. It always seemed like they had lost a lot of respect for each other; I figure each thought: “I’ve thought this through and chosen wisely. He chose poorly. What an idiot, screwing up his kids.”
I thought they were both doing fine and were each doing the best they knew, for their kids. I choose to believe that everyone does the best they know. They know themselves and they know their kids, better than I ever will.
This means for me, that I can only do the best I know, so I need to keep knowing more. I need to keep observing, listening, reading, training, discussing.
I’m dad of a diverse group of kiddos. I can probably give some sage advice. But we continue to read books, do training, talk to other parents who are behind, in pace with, or ahead of us on the parenting road. We haven’t got it all figured out. I think as long as I think this way it helps keep me from being so locked in to what I once thought that we can continuously improve. I will never have it all figured out. There will always be room to grow.
I suspect that the way Christensen (and I) feel about unsolicited parenting advice is probably how I’d feel if I got parenting advice from myself back when I only had one kid.
My main piece of parenting advice for you Christensen (and everyone) is to not settle with what you know. To read and/or otherwise expose yourself to a broad array of parenting perspectives.
3 Questions about How You Parent:
Continue to ask how you can improve – here’s 3 questions that I think are always worth asking as parents:
1. What are the underlying ideas supporting the parenting style?
What is the worldview behind the parenting methods that you’re using? These are all over the place: unquestioning obedience to authorities; trust and safety; fear and shame; self worth and independence
2. What are the immediate consequences?
What are the consequences of how you are interacting with your kid and their developing brain and emotions? Are you teaching your kid that the world is a safe place or a dangerous place? To feel safe or afraid? To experience love or fear?
These immediate things, especially for little ones whose brains are still undergoing intense developments, are life-long pre-verbal ideas that are at the core of who we are… and often the core of why we need future therapy. (We’re big advocates for therapy – see the overall discussion about continuing to learn and grow rather than settle for what we assume.)
3. What do you want for your kids’ future relationships?
How you parent strongly drives your kids’ relationships with themselves, God, others, authorities, and you far in the future. What do you want as they grow older and when they are adults? We parents are our kids first and foundational representations of the world outside of themselves. Their relationship with us models their relationship with God, with other people, with authorities; how they see us interact models for them how we interact with the world, nature, strangers, friends, and the divine. What we model for them sets their trajectory for interacting with everyone and everything else.
